 "That
son of a bitch is crazy."
It is unnecessary to give any thought to fashion while driving across
the United States. If I don't feel like shaving in the morning, I
don't. Questionable color coordination? No worries. Shoes
clash with hat? I give it not a thought. My fashion sense is
sub par for an adult male homosexual, but as long as my shoes and belt
match, I am assured I'll be in better shape than the stretch pants and
beer logo T-shirts downstairs at the free breakfast bar.
 Compared
to the first two days of Road Trip 2004, today was a light driving day.
Our route required just four hours of drive time and no stops for gasoline.
We headed out of Page, Arizona, past a coal-fired power plant, under the
coal chute of the Peabody Coal Company and out across the Navajo Nation.
It occurred to me that homosexuals need our own version of OnStar.
I would call it PornStar. A small button located in the headliner
would instantly summon queer-appropriate help. What follows are conversations
between PornStar representatives and stranded queer drivers:
PornStar: PornStar. What is your emergency?
Motorist: My car has broken down and won't start.
PornStar: What are you wearing?
PornStar: PornStar. What is your emergency?
Motorist: *garbled*
PornStar: Keep calm, sir, we are prepared for these situations.
First, I want you to pull back the foreskin. Have you done that?
Motorist: *garbled*
PornStar: Okay, sir, now tell me, can you see the toothpick?
 Our
first stop of the day is Four Corners National Monument. As the name
implies, the monument marks the only place where four states touch.
We paid three dollars to drive up to the cement platform and wait our turn
to dance in Utah, Colorado, Arizona and New Mexico. I thought about
writing some snappy bit about each state, but it sounded like this:
Conservative, conservative, conservative, conservative, stupid religion,
ignorant religion, backward religion, New Age wocka wocka.
Erik and I purchased Navajo Fry Bread (which tastes and looks a lot
like amusement park funnel cake and costs about the same) and watched the
other tourists forking over $3 to subject themselves to four versions of
the Defense of Marriage Act. Two Navajo women talked heatedly in
Navajo. I suspect they were remarking on the way white folk will
pay for the oddest things.
 Northern
Arizona and Southern Colorado are mobile home heaven. Most of these
mobile homes are topped with used tires. The National Association
of Mobile Home Manufacturers should hold a convention here every year.
In 2419, when future archeologists excavate this bit of the planet, the
notes prepared for visiting vans of tourists will read: "Most baffling
about these ancient people is the extensive use of cheaply constructed
housing that never biodegrades. These odd structures were fitted
with rubber rings on the roofs. Although we are uncertain as to the
purpose of the rubber rings, we believe the number of rings were related
to the wealth of the occupant. These rings might have had a religious
function as well."
Our destination for the day: Cortez, Colorado. "Welcome
to Cortez, Colorado!" says the official sign. The sign is located
next to the highway in the middle of a cemetery, just past the advertistement
for a Poo Tournament.
I spent the early evening at the tiny local movie house watching Harry
Potter. Over dinner, Erik and I read the police blotter in the local
paper. Some snippets:
-
A man who called 911 to report his wife was threatening suicide was cited
for false reporting after the woman told a deputy, "That son of a bitch
is crazy," and denied any such intentions.
-
A woman reported three pink pigs were digging holes in her lawn and rooting
in the flower beds. Their owner was notified that she would get a
ticket if they kept escaping from their pen. "Through my experience,
I do not feel this pen was equipped to contain swine," observed the deputy.
-
A youth-group leader reported one of his 13-year-old charges was living
with his mother, who is cohabitating with a 16-year-old boyfriend.
He could supply no further details of the unusual arrangement, but said
he would be learning more soon.
Tomorrow: Chama,
New Mexico.
Arizona
|
Element(235) in Arizona
|
Four Corners National Monument
|
Four Corners National Monument
|
Fiesta Theater, Cortez, Colorado
|
Mesa Verde, Colorado
|
Cortez, Colorado
|
Cortez, Colorado
|
Poo Festival, Cortez, Colorado
|
|
|
If you enjoy this webpage, you may also like:
Road Trip
2003
Sister
Betty's Photo Archive |
;)
;)
;)
;)
;)
;)
;)
;)
;)
;)
